oh yes. living in my pit of dark water. soggy amphetamine swirl. planning things / not following through. stimulants carry me through the morning high and big and mighty and spit me back into reality as soon as noon arrives. but at least the weather is good. construction noise outside my house makes the inner cavities of my brain itch like tv static. i could be productive today but it all depends on what my brain wants. im a slave to sensation. good time baby. having fun and feeling sick to my stomach.
working on the computer. stare thru window at the blooming green. weirdly afraid the dogs are gonna get their paws stuck in the quick drying concrete out front...silly stupid fear. i got a text this morning asking if i want to make plans this week and i guess i have to take all day to think about it. aha. i need to get out more. i know my brain is fucked when it keeps repeating the same phrases over and over and over and the only way to make it stop is to go outside and forget myself. nature helps. people help too. staying home all the time makes me even more of an alien but somehow that's become preferable to the threat of social rejection and sensory issues. then when i'm actually out i forget about all that and just have a good time like nothing ever happened. silly me.
so i'll work and i'll do my reading and shower and be a good boy. for myself. for future freedom. because i can not because i should.