it's really not that serious...it never is...but i am known for wearing my burdens on my sleeve. i am the guy that gives great advice and never takes his own. it is genuinely a wonder i am able to get by most days.
i always feel a twinge of hope at the beginning of a new season. like maybe i could change somehow. get out of the rut i've been in my whole life. yet i always trip - always falter. sometimes things feel really good and sometimes they feel apocalyptically bad. sometimes it all depends on the weather. everything is green now...it happened so quickly. i want to be a part of it. i want to emerge from this stasis with lessons learned and my head clear. but i don't know how...i never learned. i need intervention, but from where? who?
questions i've been asking forever that never get an answer. i just go through motions because it's what i know. bare-minimum survival. it's totally uninspiring. and it's barely living. but at least i'm doing something. doing something is better than giving up.
i've lost a lot in the past year...mostly close connections. falling out and drifting away from people, things, and communities. it's a bad bad cycle i often find myself in. i tell myself i can renew like i've always done, but it's exhausting. it really is. every time i have to rebuild my social circle it gets harder. and i'm older each time. the rules change and i'm still the same. autistic kid in a low-functioning adult suit. funny...i always see the people around me growing, aging, adopting new doctrines, new tastes, and here i am still the same. loving the same things, so slow to adopt new ways of thinking...maybe that's the thread running through all of this. everything just takes longer. i should be given a lifetime twice as long just so i can at least try to catch up with everyone.
i talk moody (that's what this space is for, anyway) but there are always small joys. like i mentioned, spring. games to play and master. sweet animals all around me. they're nice to talk to. unlike humans they don't care if i extrapolate on the same topic for hours ruminate endlessly. with humans i have to bite my tongue constantly. i know it's the currency of human connection, this ritual of tongue-biting, but it's just another exhausting thing for my brain to process. genuinely not sure if there's a person on earth who could tolerate to the fullest my need to talk and talk and talk about the things i love so dearly. good thing this website exists ;) i'm not loud about it but one of my primary uses of this site is creating spaces where i can indulge in my obsessive fixations freely. see mind palace. or any of the other silly pages dedicated to artists and musicians i love.
anyway. i tell myself there's always another day. i have to keep my eyes trained forward. i have a plan, i just need to stick to it. i haven't lost any of the capability that's kept me going all these years, just faith in the concept. but i'm still alive, right? so that counts.